I had a fair bit of fun writing this one. Hopefully that comes through :)

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In the Sinister Lair of Dr. Heisenburg

1.

Timmy Heisenburg slouches down the hallway, headphones completely enveloping his ears. System of a Down slowly reduces his upper hearing range. He swears as water drips from one of the pipes running along the ceiling. He hopes it's water. He pulls up the hood on his sweater.

He turns a corner and nearly crashes into three of his father's minions struggling with a large crate.

"Dammit, you guys, can't you watch where you're going?"

He steps wide to go get out of their way, cringing like always at their green-tinged skin.

"We're sorry Timothy but we have to get this coffee to the main lab or we're likely to be composted."

Timmy grabs the shipping manifest and skims it quickly.

"Civet coffee!" he says, "I don't know why he can't be happy with Nabob. It all tastes the same anyway."

"Your father is quite the connoisseur."

"My father is something alright. Five hundred dollars a pound for coffee."

He stomps off shaking his head.

2.

He's sitting in one of the upper levels of his dad's fortress, near the old laser cannon that they could never quite get working right. He takes a gulp from a can of beer and then passes it to Mindy. She's one of the minions, but they've been friends since childhood. She's somehow less creepy than the rest of them.

Mindy takes a small sip and hands the can back.

"Timothy, you seem pensive today." She has the same distant, monotonic — and to his ear slightly stoned — voice that all of his father's minions do. They're probably Dr. Heisenberg's most successful creation: a chimera of spliced human and plant genetics. Timmy's father envisions a peaceful world of people with the calm, laid-back attitude of ferns. Their ability to photosynthesize will have the nice side effect of curing world hunger. Except in rainy, cloudy Washington state which he plans to wipe out anyway, once he's perfected his earthquake machine.

"Dad's pressuring me about my college applications again. It's always, 'Blah blah blah Waterloo has the best mad science undergrad program'."

"You don't want to follow in your father's footsteps?"

"I hate chemistry."

"Your homemade beer is wonderful."

"So maybe I should open a brew pub."

"When I have trouble with a decision, I like to stand out in the sun, with my feet deep in rich, dark soil. Mmmmm..." She smiles, eyes closed again.

Timmy rolls his eyes. That's Mindy's answer to everything.

3.

"An accountant? No son of mine is going to be an accountant!"

Dr. Heisenberg pounds his fist on the kitchen table, rattling the cutlery.

"Dad, I was just throwing out an example. Of, you know, something that isn't mad science."

"It was accountants who told me I'd never be able to build my own island lair. And look at me now!"

"Maybe medical school I dunno." He smears mashed potatoes around on his plate.

"The Heisenbergs have always been mad scientists. It's in your blood."

"No, dad, it's just you. Great uncle Werner was a physicist."

"He was a mad scientist until he started sucking up to the Nobel Prize people. Have you been talking to your mother? Is this her influence?"

"No, dad, you know I haven't talked to mom in weeks."

His dad seems to calm down a little. "It's true. I haven't detected any unusual communications lately." He sighs. "Son, it's just that a mad scientist wants someone to pass his legacy on to. Have I not provided for you?"

"The fortress is great, dad. But I want to hang out with other kids, you know? And girls."

"What about Mindy? I engineered her to be quite fetching."

"Gross. She's half cucumber."

Dr. Heisenberg's bushy, unkempt eyebrows shoot upwards.

"I thought I raised you to be more open-minded. Straight after supper, I'm destroying the satellites that MTV uses to broadcast. And you're on dishes duty for the next week."

"Dad!"

"Unless, " he adds looking downward, "you maybe want to invent a device to do your dishes for you."

"A dishwasher, dad? Get real, I can buy one from Sears."

"Not if I take away your allowance you can't!" He throws back his head and laughs his well-practiced mad scientist laugh.

Timmy rolls his eyes and puts his headphones back on.

14 responses to "In the Sinister Lair of Dr. Heisenburg "

Randilin wrote: Friday, 02 Oct 2009 00:08 Great story. I love Mindy's solution to everything. Mine will be up later in the day.

Kylie wrote: Friday, 02 Oct 2009 00:13 Ehehehe - laughed all the way through! 'mad science undergrad program' is just genius, these two should have their own tv series :D And I guess I have to admit that 'Heisenberg' is more fitting than 'Periwinkle'.

Cascade Lily wrote: Friday, 02 Oct 2009 00:16 I loved it. A little bit of Dr Evil in there, no? This part was pure gold: "a chimera of spliced human and plant genetics. Timmy's father envisions a peaceful world of people with the calm, laid-back attitude of ferns. Their ability to photosynthesize will have the nice side effect of curing world hunger. Except in rainy, cloudy Washington state which he plans to wipe out anyway, once he's perfected his earthquake machine." Great flash!

Marisa Birns wrote: Friday, 02 Oct 2009 07:09 Loved this story. Good laughs in there. "Gross. She's half cucumber." made me laugh out loud! Very well done!

Chance wrote: Friday, 02 Oct 2009 12:18 "It was accountants who told me I'd never be able to build my own island lair. And look at me now!" Great line!

PJ @doublelattemama wrote: Friday, 02 Oct 2009 13:11 Very cute story - My fav is "Timmy rolls his eyes. That's Mindy's answer to everything. " Well done!

mazzz_in_Leeds wrote: Friday, 02 Oct 2009 13:21 I echo Chance on the great line thing! absolutely hilarious piece, very well done and very believeable (if you know what I mean...)

Laura Eno wrote: Friday, 02 Oct 2009 14:06 Funny! I'm glad I don't live in Washington State though...

Lauren Cude wrote: Friday, 02 Oct 2009 14:33 Mindy's answer to everything... hahaha love it :)

J. M. Strother wrote: Monday, 05 Oct 2009 22:16 What a hoot. I loved this. I believe I enjoyed reading it as much as you enjoyed writing it. :) ~jon

Victoria A wrote: Monday, 05 Oct 2009 22:44 "I thought I raised you to be more open-minded. Straight after supper, I'm destroying the satellites that MTV uses to broadcast." Mwahaha! Very nice, Dana!

2mara wrote: Tuesday, 06 Oct 2009 07:21 kids today, hmph... I wish my dad was a mad scientist. ~2

ganymeder wrote: Wednesday, 07 Oct 2009 17:06 OMG, I think this is my favorite peice of Flash fiction EVER. I LOVE this.

Dana wrote: Thursday, 08 Oct 2009 13:30 Hey thanks ganymeder!! :D

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