Hmm...so this is basically the first action scene I've ever written. (Practice for my nanowrimo story this year) I'm not sure I'm cut out for writing action.

Update: tweaked a bit of the dialogue.

---

Are There Always Dogs?

Scottie tears down the sidewalk, vaguely hoping he looks more like an action hero than some asshole in a blind panic. His courier bag slaps against his hip, headphones around his neck bounce. Don't trip on the homeless guy sprawled out. When he hears the dogs barking he tries to piston his legs faster. Regretting for the first time all the hours spent smoking pot under the bleachers instead of participating in gym class. Don't just think about it. Do it, do it, do it!

Dogs. They brought dogs. He reaches into his jacket pocket, fishes out a half-eaten pepperoni stick. Takes one bite and tosses the rest over his shoulder. He'd known he might get chased but he didn't think they'd bring motherfucking dogs. If those assholes had dogs, they probably had guns too.

He passes a bus shack, sees a poster for a band he saw last week hanging on its glass.

At the intersection he sprints out into traffic without a pause, trusting that the drivers don't want to get grimy kid all over their grills and windshields. Shouts and screeching brakes. A loud bang. Scottie nearly pisses himself but it's two cars, not a gunshot.

On the other side of the street, he wipes out in a puddle, almost face-planting. Smashes his shin but he's up in half a second and off again, leaving behind skin and some curses.

Half a block, hard right onto Spadina and straight into the foot traffic in the market in Chinatown. Fuck. But maybe this is good. They can't shoot him in a crowd. Maybe all the people and crates of vegetables on the sidewalk will throw them off. He tries his best to weave but knocks into a lot of people anyhow. Lots of what he assumes are nasty things in Cantonese.

He's through the street market and sprinting again when something large and bald steps in front of him, shouts, "You little prick."

Scottie thinks, force equals mass times acceleration, holds up his arms in a boxer's defensive posture and crashes into the guy. They both go down and Scottie miraculously is on his feet first. He stomps down on baldy's head. His runners won't do much damage, but will hopefully keep him down long enough for a getaway. No such luck, though. Baldy sits up, grabs the strap of his courier bag and tries to haul Scottie back to the ground.

Instead, Scottie yanks the strap off his head and lets it go. Fuck it, he just wants to get away. Down the street a bit there's a streetcar about to pull away. He gets to it just in time to jam his hand into the doors and stop it from closing. He throws a handful of change into the basket without counting it.

He looks out the back window and sees two other guys helping baldy to his feet. One of them starts to root through Scottie's bag.

---

Alison sits at the back of coffee shop. She's got a laptop open in front of her and is stabbing out a text message on her phone.

"You've got it?"

Scottie reaches into his pants and pulls out the usb stick that's taped to his ass. He holds it out to her.

"Uh, just put it down on the table. Away from my cookie."

They stare at each other.

"Something else you need?"

"What the fuck is on that?" Scottie yells, "They chased me with fucking dogs!"

Alison raises an eyebrow.

"Dogs, huh? Well you got away. Nice work."

"You're not going to tell me?"

"You're a runner. I'll tell you if the package is radioactive. If it's delicate. If you'll get killed for losing it, or just shit-kicked. But you don't get to know the contents. Sorry kid."

"But are there always dogs?"

14 responses to "Are There Always Dogs? "

mazzz_in_Leeds wrote: Saturday, 17 Oct 2009 06:38 Nothing wrong with your action writing, I'd call it pretty much spot-on. Not only the pace, but some of the details , like the guy noticing the poster of the band - very realistic. Very intrigued about the back story now!

Laura Eno wrote: Saturday, 17 Oct 2009 06:48 Your action is really good. One suggestion - take everything out of present tense and into past tense. It still moves the same and that's more what people are used to reading.

J. M. Strother wrote: Saturday, 17 Oct 2009 09:06 Oh yeah, this just sucks so badly. I wish my action sucked this badly. Nice job. Is this a stand alone (I think it works well as such) or part of the back story for your NaNo? It would be cool if Scottie is getting a larger field to play in. I liked him. Quite a resourceful fellow. Oh, I loved the last sentence. Nice wrap. I'm jstro on NaNo, by the way, in case you like to be buddies. ~jon

Shannon Esposito wrote: Saturday, 17 Oct 2009 10:04 *smiling* That was great! Funny, fast-paced, just enough intrigue to make me beg for more. Seriously, have faith, this rocked.

Kylie wrote: Saturday, 17 Oct 2009 10:54 There is something strange with present tense and third person, but it could just be that I'm not used to it :S But you are definitely selling yourself short! I loved the pepperoni stick as a grenade imagery. And as always you have great characterization.

ganymeder wrote: Saturday, 17 Oct 2009 13:51 I liked it. Now I am intrigued. What's on the USB stick? :D Great job.

Chance wrote: Saturday, 17 Oct 2009 17:05 Yeah !- a good action scene that was a pleasure to follow. I also liked the attention detail where the guy notices the poster

Dana wrote: Saturday, 17 Oct 2009 18:22 @jstro -- nope, for nano this year I'm doing (on a dare) a 50,000 word fight scene. And since I've never written action before, I decided I should get my feet wet. I'm a little weird in that I quite like the present tense.

Elsa Zuniga wrote: Sunday, 18 Oct 2009 00:00 I really enjoyed this. It was a smooth read -- I didn't trip over any of the action. Will there be more?

karen from mentor wrote: Sunday, 18 Oct 2009 18:24 I liked it. Especially the last line. He just sounded so pitiful lol. Nice pacing. PS..you have an extra "o" in losing Karen :0)

Elizabeth Ditty wrote: Monday, 19 Oct 2009 13:26 Nice pace, and really funny! I don't think you have anything to worry about. :-) Nice work!

2mara wrote: Monday, 26 Oct 2009 05:35 I know, I know I am severely late. Sorry. I think you did an awesome job. When you mentioned doing a 50K fight scene, I wasn't sure how anyone could pull that off. But the lights have flicked on, and I get it. I can't wait to read it. ~2

Caitlin wrote: Sunday, 10 Jan 2010 12:31 Strangely I didn't notice that it was all present tense until I read the comments pointing it out. Poor kid, he should really get himself another job. I hope there is nothing identifying in his shoulder bag or he'll go home to find goons. Hmm... it must have been well done if I'm wondering what's going to happen next.

mamala wrote: Monday, 16 Aug 2010 15:41 Don't change a thing! I loved the present tense. Made me feel like I was sitting on his shoulder through it all. Loved the ending. I'd definitely read on if there was more.

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