weekly irregular dose of fabulous1 fiction
RAM, Get It?
Friday, 27 Nov 2009 16:41
I really struggled with the ending for this one. But, here we are.
It's good to be back at Friday Flash after a few weeks off for nanowrimo :)
Updated, due to popular demand, with a note at the end with the punchline for the vampire joke!
RAM, Get It?
The robot walked slowly across the stage, servos whirring away. It tried to be nonchalant, but a good mechanic would have noticed nervousness in the sound. It settled down on the stool that was dead centre of the stage and lifted the glass of water to where its mouth would have been, had it been an anatomically correct model of robot.
"Good evening everyone. I'm the Joke-u-lon 3000. They replaced the 2000 series because of their tendency to rampage when no one laughed at their jokes. The chainsaw attachment was also generally considered a bad idea. Woah, tough crowd!"
There was a microphone on stage but the Joke-u-lon didn't need it. The 3000 series had sophisticated acoustic analysis subsystems that could tune its internal sound system to its environment: room, ambient noise, etc.
"So I went to my spare parts dealer the other day. He says to me, 'What's the problem?' I said my wife wants me to do it with more RAM."
There was a smattering of chuckles. The comedy club was half-empty; an okay crowd for a Wednesday night.
But the Joke-u-lon's systems had estimated ninety percent probability of laughter on that one. The internal humour expert system suggested something a little more low brow.
"What did the lesbian vampire say to her girlfriend after their date?"
The only sound in the bar was the scrape of a chair as someone got up to go fetch another beer.
"Three thousands bucks I paid for that piece of crap."
Eddie, the club's manager, was massaging his temples as he spoke, trying to alleviate the headache induced by having to comp so many drinks that night. Thank Christ Wednesday were so slow.
"Perhaps I am not calibrated correctly."
Lou the bartender asked, "Did you keep the receipt?"
He handed Eddie a tumbler of scotch, cut slightly with some ginger ale.
"We picked it up on clearance."
"If your establishment has WIFI, I can go online and see if my manufacturer has released any patches for me."
"Lou, just get rid of it. Can you take aspirin with scotch? Fuck it, I don't even care."
"Perhaps I can be reconfigured for auxiliary functions. Dishwashing. I could wash dishes."
Lou picked up the Joke-u-lon and slung it over one shoulder. He elbowed open the door to the back alley and dumped the robot beside the garbage bin.
"Sorry, kiddo. I thought the vampire joke wasn't half bad though."
Lou shrugged and shut the door. A moment later, a pile of coffee grounds tumbled down from the over-filled bin, splattering on the Joke-u-lon.
The corporate spokesmen for MarTech Research Industries looked tired and haggard at the news conference.
"I would suggest," he said to the assembled reporters, "that calling this a 'rampage' is maybe indulging in hyperbole. Media hype at its worst. The 3000 series doesn't even come standard with a chainsaw."
The punchline to the vampire joke is: See you next month!
My roommate heard that from her cab driver the other day.
I came up with a few ideas for the robot's name: Joke-u-lon, Laughotron, Comedomax, Comeditron. I liked Joke-u-lon best and now that I think of it, the name is probably inspired by Calculon, the robot soap opera actor from Futurama.
15 responses to "RAM, Get It? "
Friday, 27 Nov 2009 17:32
Aw, little robots need love too. He just wants to be helpful!
Then again, I could never see the stand up comic industry being taken over by robots, at least not until they have some highly sophisticated ones anyway xD This definitely had me laughing.
Friday, 27 Nov 2009 18:59
Aww... poor Joke-u-lon :(
Albert Bruno III wrote:
Friday, 27 Nov 2009 19:26
If I had carried a chainsaw my stand up comedy days would have gone VERY differently.
Good stuff as always.
Marisa Birns wrote:
Friday, 27 Nov 2009 19:38
Clever, amusing, and awww for poor Joke-u-lon.
Well? What DID the lesbian vampire say to her girlfriend? :)
Saturday, 28 Nov 2009 03:13
I felt so sorry for the Joke-u-lon.
Was most pleased that he got his revenge :)
Laura Eno wrote:
Saturday, 28 Nov 2009 04:50
I'm with Marisa - would you please think of an ending to the joke? :) Very funny! I felt sorry for the robot.
Tony Noland wrote:
Saturday, 28 Nov 2009 05:04
Great story, and I loved the ending.
I'm going to guess at the punchline:
"What did the lesbian vampire say to her girlfriend?"
"We have to break up. Vampires can never dyke."
J. Dane Tyler wrote:
Saturday, 28 Nov 2009 11:58
Boy, you just can't please a tough room. RAM, that's funny.
Too bad, I wanted to hear the vampire joke. ;)
A nice peace here.
Susan Cross wrote:
Saturday, 28 Nov 2009 14:47
You made me laugh. I have another punchline for the vampire joke: "I had a bloody good time. How 'bout you?"
karen from mentor wrote:
Saturday, 28 Nov 2009 15:30
I also have a tendency to rampage when no one laughs at my jokes...but I've never used a chainsaw....
loved the line:
"but a good mechanic would have noticed nervousness in the sound."
Sunday, 29 Nov 2009 15:07
This robot walks into a bar... and you get a funny story out of it.
Carrie Cleaver wrote:
Monday, 30 Nov 2009 06:20
great piece, loved the subtle humor, and the lines of dialogue? Fabulous. I've marked you and hope to check back some more today. The blog itself is adorable. =)
Monday, 30 Nov 2009 13:08
Poor robot! Some audiences are just rough!
Tuesday, 01 Dec 2009 01:39
Im picturing a very bender like robot reading this,
good stuff and a chuckle of a read
Saturday, 12 Dec 2009 00:57
Aww, poor joke u lon indeed ;) you made the character's beleivable and you managed to bring the Joke U Lon to life :)
Thanks for sharing!