I have a confession to make. I don't like time travel stories. Something about them leaves me entirely unable, or unwilling, to suspend disbelief. As a result, I've had a few people dare me to write a time travel story and, well, here we are.

Interestingly, because I don't like time travel stories, this week I really have no idea if this story is any good or not. Although I think it wins hands down for the weirdest #fridayflash I've yet posted...

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Chronology of Murder

"And so Dr. Jensen, can you tell us about the DNA evidence gathered at the crime scene?"

The crime scene expert, out of his lab coat and into a suit, pushed up his glasses and leaned toward the microphone.

"We were able to pull DNA from follicles of hairs found on the scene."

"Found, in fact, in hairs that were clenched in the victim's fist?"

"Yes."

"Hairs," the crown prosecutor said as she spun and levelled a finger toward the accused "that match the bald patch on the defendants scalp."

She marched, almost strutted, back to her table and picked up a photograph. She held it up toward the jury.

"The accused's scalp. This was taken when he was brought into custody. Hairs that were yanked out by the victim as he desperately fought to defend himself against this vicious attack."

"I used to be such a pansy," the defendant said with a shrug.

The courtroom erupted into noise, only settling down after the judge pounded his gavel a number of times.

"Mr. Gazcinski, I've warned you and your client already. Another outburst like that and I'll have him removed from my courtroom."

The defense attorney got to his feet while buttoning his suit jacket.

"Your honour, my client apologizes to the court, but he does get to the heart of the matter. We're not disputing the fact that he killed Edward Toews, but how can there a be a murder trial," he paused, then turned to face the jury, "when the victim is still alive?"

The crown prosecutor was on her feet in an instant.

"Your honour, this is ridiculous. We have a dead body. A confession. This trial should have been over before lunch."

"My client's body. Albeit his old body. Or rather, his younger body. But Edward Toews is nevertheless standing in this very room."

The crowd began to murmur. Before the judge could order silence again, the doors to the courtroom were thrown open. Two men in suits strode in.

"What's the meaning of this?" said the judge while a scowl spread across his face.

"Anthony Marks, QC, your honour," said one of the newcomers. "I'm here from the year 2075 to ask that Mr. Toews be extradited to our time to stand trial for murdering his future self."

"Sam Chan," said the other. "I'm here to petition the court to send this man back to 2011 to stand trial for murdering his sixteen year old self. Since this murder happened chronologically first, we believe we should get precedence."

Anthony Marks stepped forward.

"That may be true, your honour, but I have evidence that suggests Toews first travelled to the future, murdered his eighty year old self, then travelled back to 2011 and then finally to your present day. In his personal timeline, the 2075 murder happened first."

Thomas Gazinski pounded his fist on the table.

"You can't expect my client to face trial for a murder that won't happen for several decades. And technically Mr. Marks hasn't been born yet so I don't see why he should have any jurisdiction in this court."

The defense attorney leaned toward his client and hissed, "You are supposed to tell your lawyer everything. Why would you kill your 80 year old self?"

Toews shrugged. "I knew I'd be a bitter old crank after spending so long in jail. I was right, too. Or will be at any rate."

"Jail? You mean we lose the trial?"

"Sorry. It seemed unfair to tell you."

The two new lawyers, the judge and the contemporary crown prosecutor continued arguing over temporal legal jurisdiction.

"So why did you murder yourself in this year?"

"My past self, but I get what you mean. Insurance money. Time machines aren't cheap. Even in the future. Even with a rebate and a zero percent interest loan."

"And you did all this so you could travel back and kill your sixteen year old self?"

He shrugged.

"I wanted to see what would happen. And anyway, I was a putz when I was sixteen."

The judge hammered his gavel.

"I want to see all council, past, present and future, in my chambers."

15 responses to "Chronology of Murder "

Sam wrote: Friday, 08 Jan 2010 06:17 LMAO!! Loved it - very confusing, but very funny with it. One thing though, if he murdered his sixteen year old self, wouldn't that have meant he ceased to exist, or have my brains just dribbled out of my ears onto my collar? ;)

Laura Eno wrote: Friday, 08 Jan 2010 08:00 It was funny, but a bit confusing. Great dialogue!

mazzz_in_Leeds wrote: Friday, 08 Jan 2010 08:06 wonderfully confusing, but it all appears to work! I'm quite impressed he could kill himself twice "It seemed unfair to tell you" <-- LOL!

Marisa Birns wrote: Friday, 08 Jan 2010 08:08 LAUGHING! Loved how he described his selves as "pansy" and "putz" Yes, time travel IS expensive. Even with that zero percent business!

karen from mentor wrote: Friday, 08 Jan 2010 08:08 You added the "be" in this sentence but left an extra "a": [unless the guy has a stutter] but how can there a be a murder trial," he paused, then turned to face the jury, "when the victim is still alive?" Other than that I have no opinion cuz time travel makes my eyes bleed. :0) but I did laugh at him being a putz at 16.

G.P. Ching wrote: Friday, 08 Jan 2010 08:18 Someone needs to take this guy out now! Ha ha. Fun story. I think you did a good job with this piece. Kind of reminded my of that movie Timecop.

shannon esposito wrote: Friday, 08 Jan 2010 10:05 LOL! "seemed unfair to tell you." Great line! You're a brave one for taking the challenge and having fun with it. Nice job and thanks for the chuckles :-)

Skycycler wrote: Friday, 08 Jan 2010 10:36 Properly, expertly weird! Makes me realise how hard it must be to keep a time-line for a time travel story. Like the humour injections too!

Laurita wrote: Friday, 08 Jan 2010 16:54 Confusing - but hilarious and highly entertaining. My brain hurts a little.

Diana wrote: Friday, 08 Jan 2010 19:47 I like it! And no space-time continuum comments!

Cascade Lily wrote: Saturday, 09 Jan 2010 16:33 Thank goodness I wasn't the only one confused by the multiple timelines, but you know that only added to the fun. Humour was definitely the way to tackle this challenge and you nailed it. Well done!

Carrie Cleaver wrote: Saturday, 09 Jan 2010 18:01 Adorable, and yes you are in a room full of thinkers here. Killing his 16-year-old self would have stopped any further actions. I need to draw a diagram now. This was good. You challenged yourself and won. Take care not to harm yourself in the future. ;)

Caitlin wrote: Sunday, 10 Jan 2010 12:24 It certainly was entertainingly bizarre (entertainingly may or may not be a word but I'm going with it). The dialogue was funny and the fact that everyone just accepted the time travel part made it even better. I like that you did time-travel without taking it too seriously.

Virginia Moffatt wrote: Tuesday, 12 Jan 2010 16:24 Very witty. I'm with others on the logic of him not being able to kill his former self without eliminating himself. But it was funny & I love the fact he knew he'd get convicted whatever...

David Masters wrote: Friday, 15 Jan 2010 11:02 Hilarious throughout and a laugh out loud ending. Brilliant! I like that he was able to kill his former self - time travel is full of such paradoxes isn't it?

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