I couldn't help it. An idea for another time travel story just popped into my head. I feel so dirty.

This evening I started poking at a Valentine's Day Special but was too lazy to finish it. I'll save it for another time.

---

Totally Original Idea

Martin padded through the cool night. His rough, burlap peasant's shirt itched and the rifle he had slung across his back was far heavier than he was used to. He stumbled over a root that was growing across the dirt path. He cursed under his breath. He had an LED flashlight in his messenger bag but he figured it was best to stick to period. And there could be German soldiers nearby. The area would be crawling with them in a few days.

He wanted a smoke. Martin was a recent convert, of course, and hated the cravings. But his intelligence officer had assured him he'd stick out like a sore thumb if he didn't smoke. He even brought with him several extra packs in case he needed to make bribes.

He stood outside the building, a little cottage on the outskirts of the small French hamlet, tempted by the light leaking from the heavy oak door. He wanted to make sure he had the right place. A mixed-up address would very quickly bring the local garrison.

After several minutes, once he was positive the place matched the description he'd committed to memory, he stepped out from bushes and knocked on the door. The muffled sounds coming from within halted immediately. A moment latter a slat in the door slid open and Martin was confronted by bushy black brows and narrowed eyes.

"Je connais la Belette Grise de Bruxelles."

The man on the other side of the door rolled his eyes.

"Christ, mate, your French accent is awful. Let's get you inside before anyone hears that shit."

The door was pulled open and Martin stepped inside after a moment's nervous pause. Inside was a small parlour with a dozen men and a couple of women sitting on couches, chairs and the floor. A black woman had the pieces of a modern-looking sniper rifle dismantled on a cloth in front of her. Martin would later learn her name was Gen.

The fellow who'd opened the door clapped him on the shoulder. "I'm Angus and I'll let you introduce yourself. I can't remember everyone's name anyhow."

Gen looked up from busying over her rifle. "American, huh? When're you from?"

"Excuse me?"

"Oh can it," said one of the men sitting in an overstuffed chair, "You're a time travaller and you're here to kill Hitler when he arrives in the villa a few days hence for a vacation. If you're from the twenty-first century, please tell me you backed some Starbucks coffee. World War Two coffee rations are just flavoured sawdust."

"I, I've no idea what you're talking about."

Martin's head spun. He'd spent months training to blend in with the locals. Acting lessons. Apparently his accent coach didn't know what the fuck she was talking about.

Angus said, "This is where I'd usually offer a drink but beer and wine are little scarce these days."

"Wait," said Martin, a sudden realization dawning on him, "You're all from the future, too?"

"I'm technically from the past," Gen said. She shrugged. "It's complicated."

"Yeah, yeah," said someone, "Statistical models suggest that two days from now we'll have the best opportunity to assassinate Hitler. What, did you think you had a totally original idea?"

"Oh," said the other woman in the room, "I'm going to travel back in time and kill Adolf Hitler. No one'll have thought of that."

"He's smarter than I am," said someone else, this one a Brit, "I showed up a week early to 'get the lay of the land' and have been sitting around with a thumb up my arse."

Martin found a spot on the floor.

"So if we're all here, doesn't that mean we didn't succeed?"

"We've been hashing that over and we don't think so," said Angus, "See, we all departed from our own timelines before the assassination was carried out, relatively speaking. We figure once one of us gets the job done, knock on wood, the rest of us won't have to travel back from our own times. But that hasn't happened yet."

"That would work out great, " said another of them. "Some of us don't have the technology to return to our own times."

Martin said to the man, "Oh, you travelled back on one of the old Toyota models? You're lucky you didn't get sucked into a mini black hole."

"So they tell me. You'd think manufacturing time machines like they do, they could send a recall notice back in time."

Gen said, "Lawyers wouldn't let 'em. Please tell me that far enough in the future there are no more lawyers."

Everyone turned to face a young guy, he looked barely out of his teens, who was sitting in a corner. He just snorted. "Keep dreaming."

A knock on the door was greeted with a collective groan.

"Christ, not another."

"This is bullshit," said Gen, "If that's another one I'm outta here. I'll go to 2020 or something and take a crack at Emperor Clinton."

23 responses to "Totally Original Idea "

mazzz in Leeds wrote: Friday, 12 Feb 2010 07:45 Haha! For someone who has an aversion to time travel stories, you certainly produce some cracking ones. Too many funny bits to single out any, but all hail Emperor (Empress?) Clinton!

Skycycler wrote: Friday, 12 Feb 2010 08:34 A totally brilliant souped-up Delorean (not a Toyota in sight) time travel wheeze! Genius. Simon.

G.P. Ching wrote: Friday, 12 Feb 2010 09:11 You are good at these time travel pieces! Love the sneaking in of the Toyota recall. An entertaining read and very funny.

Victoria A wrote: Friday, 12 Feb 2010 10:14 F'in brilliant. Especially the final line. Dana, if I could borrow just a fraction of your talent for humor...

Laura Eno wrote: Friday, 12 Feb 2010 10:56 This is wonderful! The loop about whether the others won't have to travel because someone succeeds makes my head spin!

Maria Kelly wrote: Friday, 12 Feb 2010 10:59 This is a Fabulous piece of fiction, indeed. I love science fiction that makes you laugh, too. Brilliant!

marc nash wrote: Friday, 12 Feb 2010 11:02 Nice, the waiting room before the Dictator is in to be shot at. Clever.

Marisa Birns wrote: Friday, 12 Feb 2010 11:35 "Keep dreaming." cracked me up, among many of the other lines. Yep, you're a very good writer who knows how to bring the funny to your entertaining stories.

David Masters wrote: Friday, 12 Feb 2010 12:10 Absolutely fantastic! The central idea of this story is totally original, as well as powerful. The way you've worked it is hilarious. Loving the cynical Hitler assassinating time travellers.

Tony Noland wrote: Friday, 12 Feb 2010 15:24 This was a hoot, and a great play on time travel in general. Take a look at <a href=http://www.abyssandapex.com/200710-wikihistory.html>WikiHistory</a> by Desmond Warzel. He's a kindred spirit, obviously.

Heather wrote: Friday, 12 Feb 2010 15:33 An entertaining time travel tale, loved the topical Toyota reference!

CJ wrote: Saturday, 13 Feb 2010 10:39 This is wonderful - a totally captivating idea! The big picture is so thought-provoking and the little details sell it and make it perfect.

Olivia Tejeda wrote: Saturday, 13 Feb 2010 18:58 Dana, I loved it based on its merit alone, but since you added a line of French ... that just made it even better! Emperor Clinton?? Sacre bleu!

Cascade Lily wrote: Saturday, 13 Feb 2010 19:52 Great time travel story Mark II! I actually liked this line best: "Martin would later learn her name was Gen." You had a lot of dialogue and lots of characters with different voices. It would have been hard to tag them all, so your narrator's naming of Gen early on was a spot of very clever writing. Well done (again!).

Kylie wrote: Sunday, 14 Feb 2010 13:24 Haha, I love this, so many small perfect details! As much as you might hate to hear it, you have a knack for time travel stories :D

Cecilia Dominic wrote: Sunday, 14 Feb 2010 14:02 But are the Toyota time travel machines hybrids??? Great humor and modern references without going overboard. CD

Al Bruno III wrote: Sunday, 14 Feb 2010 17:01 I love it! And time travelers can be so annoying can't they?

Melissa wrote: Sunday, 14 Feb 2010 17:33 What happened to the Honda time travel machines? Did *they* all get recalled? ;) Really enjoyed this--wonderful idea--excellently executed. ;)

wesleywhatwhat wrote: Monday, 15 Feb 2010 09:46 i would be impressed if a middle schooler wrote this.

David G Shrock wrote: Monday, 15 Feb 2010 11:00 Fun. I like the recall gag.

Eric J. Krause wrote: Monday, 15 Feb 2010 11:21 Great story! Such humor, and the thought of what would happen if someone succeeds makes my head spin.

Carrie Clevenger wrote: Tuesday, 16 Feb 2010 12:38 You write this like you know what you are talking about... [walks off holding head] When science is so logical it hurts. Awesome. I loved this.

ganymeder wrote: Sunday, 02 May 2010 14:38 *snort* Emperor Clinton! Loved it! For time travelers, they're pretty dumb though. I thought everyone knew that Hitler was his own worst enemy. If he'd been assassinated, Germany might have actually won. I guess you couldn't expect too much from time traveling tourists though. hehe I really enjoyed this.

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